Saturday, February 25, 2006

The Rule Ruler

The Rule Ruler abhors those who breaks the rules she considers valid, while brazenly breaking any she considers otherwise. She is the ultimate arbiter, and it should be obvious to anyone that she is always correct.

For example, dogs should always be on a leash. People who walk their dogs off-leash should be fined twelve thousand dollars and not be allowed to own a dog ever again. Cats, on the other hand, should be free to roam at will, since cats are by nature nomads. As a cat owner, the Rule Ruler sees the logic of these positions. Who could not? Anyone who keeps their cat indoors should be fined twelve thousand dollars and not be allowed to own a cat ever again.

Her judgments apply to all rules - how much makeup a young girl should wear, what time zone the state of Nebraska ought to be in, how many terms a president should be allowed to have, what the speed limit should be on each and every street, which leg you should first put into your pants, where there should be a pedestrian overpass, how many blocks are appropriate between each Burger King, how many croutons should fit on a side salad, or how many miniature carrots should there be in a one pound bag.

The Rule Ruler never writes down her definite version of the rules, for she is free to change them when it suits her, but every rule is absolute at any given moment, and she will certainly let you know if you are transgressing. Letters to the editor will be written. Your mother will be informed. Public notices will be posted. Internet bulletin boards will be crammed with outlandish charges, for the breaking of a rule is the Rule Ruler's greatest horror.

It shall not stand. Lines in the sand are drawn. She may not have any authority, or be unable to mind her own business, but once she makes it her business, you will wish you had done whatever it was you did a little differently. And next time, you probably will.

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