Wednesday, August 23, 2006

The Born Loser

The Born Loser has no fear of failure. He embraces it. He lives for it. Behold the Magic of Failure. Were it not for mistakes, he advises, how would you ever get anything right? He has a point, we all agree, but why try to fail, why aim to lose? It's the way, he replies.

The way is gained by daily loss, loss upon loss until at last comes rest. Lao Tzu said this, very long ago. The Born Loser takes it to heart. Every day, to fail at something, he decides. This is my goal. But what can I lose today?

It's all right, he says, you can make the same mistakes over and over and they still count. It's all good, he declares.

You can forget everything your lovers tell you. That way it's always fresh when they repeat the same old stories.

When you've never been somewhere before, how do you expect to get there? It seems impossible! The Born Loser is convinced he will never arrive.

He prefers the questions that cannot have answers. What was there before The Beginning? Where is Everywhere? If God created everything, what created God? Or, tell me again why everything needs creating. He doesn't see the point.

A watched pot never boils, he's told. Never? He's alarmed.

He has plans for a business venture. There are certain to be no customers. He will not be able to afford the rent. The storefront will remain empty. Not a sign outside. Not an item within. "It's the new economy", he explains.

He is always in love. She never knows who he is. Literally. Safer that way, and guaranteed to fail. You gotta like those odds.

It's like riding a bicycle. Down a hill. Without any brakes. Right into a stone wall.

The Born Loser will tell you all his hopes and dreams, if you let him, but don't be discouraged. He hasn't got a chance. He can never win. It would spoil all the fun.

Monday, August 21, 2006

The Spouse Complainer

The catalog is extensive. He puts it on display like a coffee-table book. Guests will be subjected to it, and you can't beat the price. Included in the index, alphabetically of course, is every flaw, every mistake, every single thing that's wrong with her. With DSM diagnostic references attached.

Her childhood led up to this. Her parents were involved. It was years in the making, way over budget, and intended, all along, to ruin his life. Until the day he met her, everything was roses, and things were still okay, for awhile. And then the real her.

She's the kind of person, he will tell you, when she leaves the room, who thinks it's all about her. She doesn't know anything about boundaries. Saying things to other people that are really none of their business. Telling them his secrets. Saying bad things about him behind his back.

Not only that, she can't even cook a decent pot of rice.

She has no empathy.

She's lacking something essentially human.

You wonder how she did on the Voight-Kampff test, but you don't say anything. You wonder if it's rude to squirm.

She's not fit to be a mother, or a wife, or a friend, or a teacher, or an employee, or a cowherd, well, maybe a cowherd.

Have you heard her try to sing?

Yes dear, he says, as she asks for help in the kitchen. She's useless in there, he informs you as he departs. He is the one who has to do everything. You look at your own spouse and mouth the words, can we leave now?

You wonder if it's rude to scream.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Beast Master

Beast Master barks out commands like it's nobody's business - the ring of authority fills the neighboring streets. At his word, windows come crashing down, doors slam, the population disappears. The empty streets are testimony to the loudness of his voice.

Animals cringe at the sound, and mere children cower. His footsteps approach. Even the skunks are hiding in the drains. All listen to him roar.



The dogs pay no attention. They roam around the yard as if no one was there. Beast Master is beside himself with rage. The toddler will pay for this, not to mention the newborn. All must quake before his voice. Not for nothing did he graduate with honors from loud talking school.

Mrs Beast is a meek one. The girls still have some spirit. But for how long is anybody's guess.




And my favorite


Oh yes. We heard. Everybody heard. Everybody knows. Beast Master is a rager. Beast Master is a bully. Beast Master is highly ineffective.

Welcome to the neighborhood.